I haven’t felt like writing for a couple of years but my brain is too crowded to hold it in. My words and thoughts for today might be too much for you, or they might resonate. They are certainly not going to inspire you. This is your fair warning that there is no sunshine in this post. I care about your feelings, but I stopped caring about what anyone thinks about me a long time ago.
When I look at the world around me, I feel sad.
When someone tries to convince me there is good in the world, I feel pessimistic.
When people tell me not to worry about sending my daughter to school, I feel angry. Are they blind? I don’t care what anyone else is doing!
When people fall into a web of lies and spew hatred for one another, I feel disgust. I thought they were smarter!
When people worship any politician or public figure indiscriminately, I feel embarrassed for them. I thought they had integrity.
When people jump on every propaganda bandwagon because it’s what they want to believe, I feel annoyed. I thought they were a critical thinker.
When people tell me they love and respect me, but show me something different, I feel disconnected. Actions speak loudest.
When people cheer for the destruction and demise of people who are already suffering loss, I start to feel hatred for them. I start to wish for their suffering. See how that works?
When I hear union workers trash their unions, but don’t get involved, run for office, or vote on contracts to better their situation, I become complacent about standing up for workers. Why bother? Go the non union route and get back to me on that.
When I hear women tearing down other women and promoting a culture of abuse and cheering for convicted predators, I feel betrayed. You can’t be my friend because I have a daughter who relies on me to lead her. I’m leading her far away from women like you.
Frankly, I’m tired of defending people who can’t be bothered to defend me, or themselves for that matter.
I know we aren’t supposed to let the world harden us. I also know that I have witnessed and experienced enough that I no longer have the choice. When I think about how much my heart has changed in 12 years, especially the last 2 years, I feel broken.
Some people are still planning for their future, education, retirement, and acting as though everything is status quo. I don’t even know how to do that anymore. The realist in me is living for today and hoping there is a tomorrow to look forward to. I’m not even sure how to parent my way through this. I don’t lie to my kid. Have a conversation with her and you’ll find that out immediately. She is SMART! She notices EVERYTHING!
Cities are burning to the ground. Healthcare is a failure across the nation. Women have lost bodily autonomy. Billionaires are in charge and a con man was elected president. Our nation is sick. The hatred and self entitlement we breed in this nation is spreading across the world and it’s coming back to us.
I guess I felt like I needed to say this because I tend to give the impression of having it all together (I am told) when that is rarely the case. I’m sure that’s a coping mechanism I have perfected. Shame on me.
I don’t know how any thinking, feeling human being is “OK” right now. I used to be full of answers and motivated to fix it all but that feels like a lonely endeavor. I’ve come to accept that change happens when people come together but we are far beyond divided. There isn’t a political force that could stop a country full of people who love one another enough to defend our neighbors regardless of our differences. That would require people to care about more than the things that only hurt them. I have no faith left in that possibility. I’m bracing for impact.
When your home is flooded or your city is burning, or your life is falling apart, pay attention to who shows up as opposed to who talked a bunch of shit, passed judgment, or gave unsolicited advice. I’m feeling like a lot of people need to suffer deeply to get a clue. I never used to wish that for anyone but pain is a reliable teacher. If you are celebrating someone’s hurt right now…fu%k you!
When you wake up to your alarm every day and stumble to the coffee pot to start your daily routine, is there any part of you that thinks, “why bother?” Me too. But, I’m doing it anyway. What I can’t understand is the people who believe we are going in a better direction. I want to shake them!
There are people I hold very close because they make this reality manageable and I never take the real goodness in anyone for granted. I show kindness and generosity despite my pain and my fear but it’s very real and it’s crippling. I know I am not alone. I will continue to live my best life for today, and every day I am gifted but don’t be fooled by my coping mechanism of “everything is fine ” because it’s not. I am grateful for the real ones. Authenticity is gold. Aside from that, my soul has darkened and I’m losing faith in humanity.
Rest assured, if your home is burning, I will be there with a hose. If your house is flooding, I’m showing up with a boat if your world is crashing down, I’ll be a soft place to land. That’s how you live a life of purpose. It’s not that hard for me. In fact, it’s very simple. Do unto others. ✌️❤️
Freckled and Unfiltered 